Fresh start for 2015

[HungryinTN]

Soooo the holidays got a little nuts.  I ended up staying with my parents for both Christmas and New Years and there were lots of carbs and adult beverages involved (my mother can never decide whether she wants me to quit drinking or be her drinking buddy...).  I've spent the last few days detoxing and reducing carbs.  I weighed yesterday and I was up a full ten pounds from before Christmas.  Whoops! But I'm sure most of it is water/glycogen - I just don't want to let it settle in and get comfortable!  Today I was back down almost three pounds.  Phew! I'm going to do one more day of LCHF today, then a three-day raw milk fast followed by a couple of days of egg fasting for a quickie detox.  Then I'll get on with normal life.      I'm considering doing the Primal Blueprint 21 Day Challenge as a way to stay focused after my purge.  Mainly I need to try to motivate myself to move more, which is really hard in the coldest part of winter!  I have always been one to play to my strengths, and my strength this time of year is becoming one with a pile of blankets  . 

[HungryinTN]

Alright so today I woke up with a cold.  I haven't been around another human in four days.  What's up with that?  Ugh.  Pounding the echinacea and green tea.  I've also started a milk fast today, and Dr. Mercola says raw milk is good for colds.  So hopefully it will be gone soon.  This morning weight was 183.2.  Down over 4 pounds from Monday, thankfully.  Now 15 to go to get back to September low.  I'm feeling focused but this cold could really throw a monkey wrench in my determination.  I want to feed my cold!  But I'm all stocked up on milk and eggs for the rest of the week with no other food in the house and no desire to go out in the arctic cold.  So milk and eggs it is! 

[Jan in Key West]

Taking Oscillococcinum (homeopathic pellets) at the first sign of flu/cold symptoms usually has a positive impact and can shorten the life of the illness. I take it when I fly just as a precaution.....they are available at your local drugstore but much less expensive when purchased online.

[HungryinTN]

Thankfully my usual vitamin D and echinacea tea routine did the trick.  Symptoms have subsided.  Now I just have to keep warm in single-digit weather! (Too bad for my gas bill...)


Yesterday's milk cleanse went well.  I drank more milk than I normally do, but since I'm on the way back down from a major binge I figure drinking a healthy serving of nutritionally dense raw milk every time I felt hungry wasn't necessarily a bad thing.  In addition to the milk I drank boatloads of tea, mainly echinacea, a few glasses of water, and my morning coffee prepared as usual (bulletproof recipe).  Last night I slept better than I have in days.  I woke up a couple of times to go to the bathroom but managed to get back to sleep each time, which was a refreshing change.  I slept off and on from about 11:00 until about 8:30.  Morning weight 181.2, so I feel like I am successfully releasing toxins (I'd say consider the rapid pace of loss it is safe to say that it is not fat loss, nor was it likely fat gain to begin with, but it still feels good to let go of!). 


The boyfriend has decided to come down this weekend (though not definite yet).  I was hoping to have a little more time to get back in shape before I saw him again, not so much because I'm worried about how I will look for him as much as I'm worried about being susceptible to his bad influence.  I really wanted a solid couple of weeks to myself to focus on cleansing and on work.  In addition to my nutritional concerns, I'm trying really hard to get back in the habit of getting up and getting dressed and putting myself to work on my dissertation every day.  I haven't succeeded yet.  Last semester was so unsuccessful that I'm in a bit of a panic and it has me kind of paralyzed right now.  Every time I start thinking about it I feel very anxious.  Thank goodness I've learned to cope with anxiety without food or booze!  But it doesn't help my sleep at all.  A lot of what I need to do involves a lot of expenses.  I think I can get the money from my university but I have to have some real direction before I can even ask, and that's hard to do without making more progress, which is hard to do without the grants...You can see my conundrum.  I have a little money put back that I gave to my parents for safe keeping a couple of months ago so I couldn't touch it until necessary, and I think that time has come. 


Speaking of work, I think this post has officially moved into a procrastinatory ramble...Time to get to it! 

[HungryinTN]

First day with no loss!  It's always a bit of a let-down, of course.  But I imagine it means I've flushed all of the easy toxins/glycogen/water/what-have-you and that the next round of losing will be pure fat, right?  Right.    Plus it's TOM, and also I had a glass of milk last night with my evening supplements instead of water (I was hungry) which means that my fast was shorter.  Yesterday was a little rough.  By the end of the day I was daydreaming of solid, crunchy food.  I think I just needed more milk.  But I'm almost out and don't really want to spend any more $ on it right now, so I guess I'll deal.  If I run out today and need more I'll have a fried egg and consider it the start of my impending "egg fast."  I have about three days worth of eggs right now.  Might have to break down and get some supermarket eggs.  I need to get through this month as cheaply as possible and these "fasts" I'm doing definitely keep costs low!  I have a pork roast and some ground beef in the freezer but my boyfriend is coming NEXT weekend instead of this weekend after all so I think I'll save those for when he's here.  My raw milk supply is about to dry up for a while though.  I'm considering whether or not I should maybe just alternate milk and eggs until it's gone, which the farmer expects will be around the 25th. 


On the life front - my family is in a state of flux right now. 
My mother had an MRI on her pituitary gland and was diagnosed with empty sella syndrome (basically her pituitary doesn't show up because it's being flattened out by something).  I don't see that it has anything to do with any of her physical issues based on anything I can find about it, but it's what her new doctor wants to treat.  Anyone ever have any experience with it? 
My brother-in-law has decided to leave his job at the Whole Paycheck after seven years of being jerked around by the company.  My sister is a working musician who makes very little.  I have no idea what they are planning to do about money. 
My dad has decided to retire from his company to go to a consulting firm, but my mother's treatment is dependent on his insurance, so I'm not sure how that's supposed to work out, whether I agree with her treatment path or not. 
My boyfriend's ex-wife is marrying the trucker she started dating two months ago.  I'm still forbidden from meeting their teenage daughter (the ex had it written into their divorce that the daughter was strictly forbidden from meeting anyone he dated, meanwhile she's brought home a string of losers including an alcoholic who would get drunk and threaten to kill himself IN FRONT OF the daughter who was twelve at the time...)


I have decided to take a complete hibernation from social life for a while to get my diet and my research in order and so far it is going quite well.  I've not felt lonely or deprived yet and it's been almost a week since I've been around another human being.  I think I got a lot of socializing out of my system during the holiday party season and honestly got a little bit fed up with my current crowd.  Maybe if I disappear for a while they'll forget about me and I can just move on? 

[HungryinTN]

Yesterday was a little rough.  I'm reaching alone-time critical mass.  I have had virtually no human contact in over a week now and it's very draining for me.  Last night I found myself extremely depressed and turned to snacks to try to fill the void.  Granted, the snacks were sunflower seeds, a couple of brazil nuts, and raw milk cheese, but the lapse in discipline was still upsetting for me (and hardly a substitute for the popcorn I was REALLY craving).  On the other hand, I have now been alcohol-free for a full week, which feels pretty good.  I'm feeling better this morning, but my cat (who has also had a rough week complete with a vet visit, sedation, and anal probing) has been holding me down most of the morning.  My house is filthy and I was planning to clean today but I'm really not feeling up to it.  I wish I could come up with a solution to my loneliness that didn't involve food and alcohol.  But it's a small town and I have a limited social circle and even more limited time to find alternative avenues. 

[Lynda (Fl)]

I'm sending good vibes your way for your Mom and for you.  That's a tough time you just described.  Hope it gets better.

[HungryinTN]

Thanks, Lynda!  I think my mom is not going to go back to the doctor who wants to treat the empty sella thing.  Mainly, my dad wants to retire and the doctor won't keep her as a patient if they go on Medicare, apparently.  Plus none of us really trust conventional doctors anymore.  I'm just struggling to keep my spirits up through all this isolation this time of year.  I have a touch of seasonal affective disorder, I guess. I've mostly eliminated my depression, but right now I'm having a really hard time keeping the negative thoughts at bay.

[HungryinTN]

I'm still struggling a bit, but I had a small victory yesterday.  I went to a city commission meeting that started at 6:30, disrupting my normal eating schedule.  I was VERY tempted to go out to eat (and probably have a dinner drink, and maybe an after dinner drink), since all of my favorite restaurants in town are within a few blocks of City Hall.  Instead, I took a short walk downtown, came home, and made some eggs.  Small scale victory this morning, too, down another .4 lb.  I'll take it. 

[Redhead65]

Congratulatons that you resisted temptation.

[HungryinTN]

Thanks, Redhead!  Fresh new struggles today, though.  I am feeling overwhelmed with my dissertation research and all things school-related.  The new semester starts soon and on top of my research I am expected to put together my professional portfolio and write my official dissertation prospectus over the next couple of months in addition to putting together a grant application for the coming school year for a grant I don't even want (we are required to apply for the funding but it's only $10k for the year and comes with an agreement that we won't take any additional funding or work...).  Even though yesterday I was feeling good about it, I woke up today with this powerful sense of panic and dread and self-doubt that I can't seem to shake.  I think my current state of isolation is contributing to the problem, but I have no immediate solution to that problem that wouldn't be counterproductive.  I'm starving but too stressed to eat, which is a potentially disastrous situation because by the time I get so hungry I absolutely have to do something about it I will be susceptible to bad decision-making.  Normally I find it more helpful than not to stick to my chosen WOE, but right now I am almost feeling like it is an added stressor because I am holding myself to an impossibly high standard at a time when I just need to let myself eat and move on with life.  But what's worse is that what I really want is to go get a bottle of bourbon, drink the whole thing and write for a while just to see what comes out.  I sometimes find inspiration in the bottle.  But I don't want to break the promise to myself to dry out for a couple of weeks.  It has now been ten days.  Which is a pretty good long time.  But it isn't nearly as long as I had intended to go. 

Sorry for the ranting.  But I needed to get it all out.   

[Redhead65]

You have a lot going on. Well, you have every right to rant here. It is your blog. 
Try not to be too hard on yourself. You have been wheat-free for 10 days. That is better than in the past when you probably ate wheat 3 times a day.
Besides, it is no cardinal sin to stumble as long as you get up again.

What helped me a lot besides reading the WB book and starting the WB total health book is to listen to Dr. Davis on youtube. Especially the film about the unhealthy whole grain. It helps me to hammer the message into my head.
And I also like videos by DBC naturalhealth.  There is one video about why gluten is bad, and it explains the concept of leaky gutt really well.

[Lila]

Ah, bourbon is my drink of choice too. So I get it.


Hope things will calm down...getting the dissertation finished & defended is a good thing to get behind you. I remember those extra-long days and worrying about whether I would get the proof finished that my advisor said was mandatory. But I did, finally, and he (& my committee) liked it. You can get there.

[deanna in AR]

Hungry, you can do this.

[HungryinTN]

Thanks for the words of encouragement, y'all.  I've been a bit off the rails for a few days.  Gained almost ten pounds.  Should go away quickly.  But I really must stop this yo-yo pattern.  Yesterday I got up and went to a MLK day peace march which was followed by a looooong program.  I had neglected to eat before the march so about halfway through the program I was absolutely famished and left to get some lunch at the nearest restaurant - Mexican, of course.  A friend wanted to meet me and while I was waiting for her I devoured almost an entire basket of chips.  By the end of the day I could barely walk because my feet and knees hurt so badly.  After lunch I went to the park with a friend and her two sons (ages 3 and 6) and had absolutely zero energy to play with the boys.  I couldn't even sit down on the pavement to watch.  I tried squatting at one point almost screamed for the pain in my knees.  Maybe now I have learned my lesson?  I just let myself get way too hungry yesterday morning (didn't eat from about 5:00 the night before until almost 2:00 that afternoon) and ate what was in front of me, regardless of the consequences.  And now I'm that much more broke to boot with no paycheck coming for another ten days. 
Early next week I have to go to Tennessee for a class meeting (which means no leaving the house until then because I have just enough gas to get there, but thankfully my boyfriend has money right now so as long as I can get there I will be fine), at which time I'll have to face the music - I have absolutely nothing to show for my last semester and the holiday break, and I've completely lost sight of my dissertation argument.  It's like it has just disappeared from my head and I have no idea what the point of it all was.  I have about thirty pages written, which were written several semesters ago, and need at least 100 more and right now I don't even have enough information for a paragraph.   

[Suzhookem]

You always pull through. It's there in your head. It will pop back into your conscious when you least expect it. You can do this. Like I said you always do!

[HungryinTN]

I'm trying to focus on just doing right now instead of thinking. Writing will come when it comes.  In the meantime, menial tasks will have to carry me through! 

[Lynda (Fl)]

You seem to be at the point we all hit in large projects, where we start to burn out.  Grit your teeth and don't let it derail you completely.  You've done so much hard work and done it so well, it's no wonder you want a nice, looong rest.  You have what it takes to finish, it's just at a sticking point you need to suffer past.  Do what ever it takes, you'll be fine.

[HungryinTN]

I've been plugging away, more or less.  I had a meeting with my dissertation committee chair a couple of days ago and feel somewhat better, then went to colloquium research discussion and felt worse.  Now I'm back to just plugging.  The weekend was a little rough, nutritionally speaking.  I went on kind of a tour of nachos and margaritas.  Yesterday was my last day out of town and I did much better (steak and broccoli for lunch, tuna, cheese, and sauerkraut for dinner).  I ate mostly eggs today, mostly because it's what I have in the house and I'm trying to put off buying groceries until after my next trip, which is in less than a week (my poor cat!).  I think I didn't eat enough, but that just might have to be how things are for the next few days. Hopefully I can make it through on butter and coconut oil to keep from going into starvation mode, since I have plenty of both of those in the house. 

[HungryinTN]

After three days in a row of nothing but eggs, canned salmon, and sauerkraut I finally broke down and went to the grocery store.  I am feeling vegetable-depleted so I got a head of cauliflower, a head of broccoli, a zucchini, a squash, and an onion.  I might have gone overkill considering I have to go out of town in three days.  Oh well.  The place I'm staying has a kitchenette so maybe I can take leftovers...

[Redhead65]

When I went out of town now, I also had bought too many veggies before. I had to throw away something since I was not traveling by car, and the space was limited. But I can understand what you feel. I wanted to do something good to myself and had completely banned that trip from my mind.
Luckily not all the veggies were gone when I came back. I have one of those lower temperature compartments where things last longer.

Good luck for your trip.

[HungryinTN]

I apparently put the broccoli back before I left the store, so thankfully I should be able to eat at least most of the food before I leave.  There will probably be some squash casserole left, which I will probably take with me.  I'm only going an hour away (and trains, of course, are unheard of in my region) so I will be driving.  And I will have a kitchenette in the hotel. But there will be a LOT of tempting food around me that will be difficult to resist. Most of it wouldn't be so bad from a dietary standpoint, but from a budgetary standpoint it could be disastrous.  I will be surrounded by high-end fine dining (my favorite) but on a very strict budget.  I did, however, discover that there is a Moe's a block in the other direction, where I can get a salad with (in my experience very chewy and bland) grass-fed steak.  Yippee.  And hopefully I will be able to follow my evening routine for sleep and avoid alcohol (unless the trip goes badly in which case the drinks may be a'callin).  I really need to be fully alert and focused throughout the trip and can't afford to lose sleep or impair my focus with booze.     

[HungryinTN]

I'm still struggling along down here, twenty pounds up from September. I'm starting to worry that the black mold in my house may be part of what's holding me back. But more than anything I think the problem comes down to stress and travel, and I just don't see either of those things settling down anytime soon.  I've got to figure out a way to take control of the situation. I just find it hard so often to muster enough give a sh#t for both my health and my dissertation, but without my health I don't know how I will ever get through and finish.


I mostly feel okay when I'm not in recovery from travel or having panic attacks over everything I have to do. I'm stuck in the house a lot. I try to get out and walk but it's not easy. I'm a total wimp about cold. Some days I just don't even get out of bed. Today has pretty much been one of those days.


I've let corn back into my life in large quantities somehow. A lot of it is social. My friends like to go out for Mexican because it's cheap, so that's where we end up most of the few occasions I go out. At first, when I first started WB last year, it was hard to resist the chips, then it got easier, and then I started avoiding the situation. A few times I just let myself get too hungry which always leads to bad decisions. But lately it's been harder and harder, and last night, on my way home from drinks with a friend, I stopped at the grocery store and got popcorn, which I proceeded to eat it. All of it. An entire bag of pre-popped corn. I think I must have a death wish or something.  Ugh.  And then of course today I'm all brain-foggy and unmotivated. How do I find my way back to the beginning, when I was so in love with this WOE? 

[Barbara from New Jersey]

l-glutamine supplements stop the cravings for alcohol and carbs. 

[HungryinTN]

Yeah.  I keep hoping those will help but I've been taking them pretty consistently and it just doesn't seem to hold a candle to my stress level and crazy schedule. 

[Barbara from New Jersey]

Read Primal Body - Primal Mind by Nora Gedgaudas for more ideas to calm yourself down, clarify your thinking and relax.  This is a very good book and easy to read.  She explains why we have a specific problem and what to do about it.  I'm sure you can benefit as she give alternative suggestions if something isn't changing when you take the supplements.

[HungryinTN]

Thanks!  I'll give it a look. A friend gave me some new amino acids to try last night. Maybe they will help, too. 

[HungryinTN]

I decided to do a little research on the whole l-glutamine thing because I've been taking it for a while and it hasn't really helped with the cravings.  According to Paleo Leap http://paleoleap.com/glutamine/, there actually isn't any evidence to show that it helps with cravings, and the claims that it does are basically completely unfounded. I wish it would at least have had a placebo effect, but I guess my body is too smart and too self destructive for that! I am going to keep taking it, though, because it is good for repairing damage done by stress, which probably ultimately helps curb the cravings anyway.