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Author Topic: My Start  (Read 3414 times)

JustSherrie

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My Start
« on: September 15, 2013, 11:52:20 PM »
This is great.  I've been looking for a forum where I can blog about this journey, without anyone really knowing who I am, as it is so darn embarassing. 
I've struggled with weight loss my whole life.  I've been thin, I've been fat, I've been obese, and I've been somewhere in between.  I never had it "under control", but I did have it finally to a point where if I got to a certain weight, I'd switch over to meat and salads and quickly lose it, and that would be that.  That changed after 2 miscarriages in the same year, and really bad depression as a result of it.  Add in being over 40 on top of that, and it's just been a nightmare.
There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I am a food addict, a carb addict, a sugar addict, a wheat addict, etc.  I would never think about touching drugs, but I've been using food to self-medicate my whole life.  From controlling and sometimes physically abusive parents, to school-yard bullies ... it was my constant companion.  Don't feel well?  eat something.  You're crying? eat something.  Were called fat?  Cry, hide, and eat something.  It's such a vicious, destructive cycle. 
I am always going to be honest here, because I can.  You don't know me, don't know my name, what I look like, don't know my family, and I do not have to worry about embarassing anyone (my children, spouse, parents, or myself).  I swear, I will never lie here.  Not like I do almost every single day. I am pathetic, and I have failed at this eating approach over and over again.  I have been attempting this for close to a year now.  I start, I get through day 1, which is always the hardest for me, I last until day 3 or 4 (always noticing how much thinner my face looks, or even my wheat belly, in such a short period of time), then, I cheat.  Whether it's going out to dinner, having a slice of pizza, an ice cream bar that doesn't have any gluten in it - it doesn't matter.  That one tiny cheat sets me off, and I'm done.  Not for the day, not for the next 3 days, but it literally puts me on a binge that lasts for weeks, for months sometimes.  No exaggeration.  The sick part?  I know this.  I KNOW what will happen from that one little bite of pizza.  That 1 ice cream bar.  Even a darn organic yogurt.  I know what will happen, and I do it anyway.  It is crazy to be like this.  Crazy, sick, pathetic - whatever adjective you can think of - and I do it anyway.  I am in absolute fear of living the rest of my life without being able to eat bread.  It scares the crap out of me. 
I am now 80 pounds more than my lowest weight.  I am about 55 pounds overweight.  I had a doctor tell me one time that there is really no "in between" with me.  I go from one end of the pendulum to the other.  I'm either really thin (I've never been smaller than a size 6, so it's all relative to my average weight, I suppose) or really heavy (I'm a size 18 now).  At the time of the last pregnancy, I was a size 14.  Not thin, not fat (not by America's standards anyway, and I felt good), but it is just out of control now.
I want to stop.  I swear to God I want to stop.  I don't want to live like this anymore.  I wake up feeling hung over almost every day, and I hardly ever drink.  My joints hurt.  I'm in my early 40's and I feel like I am 80 some days.  I can't walk up a flight of stairs without being out of breath.  I sweat while just doing normal household things.  My right hip hurts so bad in the joint it's not even funny.  I have a headache every day, and I live on tylenol.  My sinuses are always, always clogged.  I take a small doze of prozac every day.  My hands are constantly numb and tingling.  I hate myself.  I really, truly hate myself.  I hate being fat.  I hate looking like I'm going to give birth.  I hate wearing fat people clothes.  I hate seeing pictures of myself - that I really hate.  I want to stop.  I want to stop, and I don't know how.
I have no friends.  I am so embarassed by the way I look, I have shut myself off from just about everyone.  I really do not have any friends.  And, even if I did, I'd think they were talking about me anyway, and wouldn't trust them.  I have you guys now.  And even if no one reads this, or responds to it, at least it's out there.  No one knows who I am, and I can tell the world my problems and get it all out.  Maybe this will help me.  I hope it does.  I don't want to die.  I really don't.  And if I keep eating the way I am (it's 2am, and I've had 2 bowls of cereal and 2 pieces of toast already) I don't think my body (or ANY one person's body) could tolerate this type of abuse for long.
So .... I weigh 215 pounds.  My waist is 41 inches.  I'm 5'4" tall.  I'm going to try (again) living wheat free and sugar free, and hopefully writing about it every day will help. 
Thank you for listening.
 

Barbara from New Jersey

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Re: My Start
« Reply #1 on: September 16, 2013, 04:40:07 AM »
Dear Just Sherrie,


Welcome!


Promise yourself that you will NOT eat anything obviously made of wheat for your 4 day "then I cave" limit."
Blog us at the end of each day.  Make sure you hug yourself then.


Many of us (not all) are former fatties, living with the shame constantly being told about our lack of willpower and gluttony.  What we ALL have in common is the desire to feel better and not live in a world or misery, whatever the cause of that misery is.  Some of us have serious health issues, some of us have the desire to eat in a way that will prevent those issues from becoming a disease.


Remember, everyone here has had different reactions along this new way of eating.  We ask each other "Is this normal? What can I do to overcome this plateau? Have you tried _____?" all the time.  We are still exploring and trying new recipes and reading
everything we possibly can about this new way of eating, thinking and shopping for food.   How proud we are about shopping only the perimeter of the food stores!  We have found that when chips or other not so healthy foods find their way into our mouths, they are in smaller and smaller quantities and don't even taste as good as we remembered.  Sometimes we actually get sick from our indulgences.  We all do the best we can at the moment.


We all acknowledge that wheat is poison for us.  We all have felt much better when we stopped eating wheat.  One step led to another and EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US is in a better, healthier place now than our before WB life.  We all have "flipped that switch" and feed our bodies foods that make us thrive rather than the foods that made us all sick.  No more poison!   :D


So cheer up and welcome! 
« Last Edit: September 16, 2013, 04:55:12 AM by Barbara from New Jersey »

Jan in Key West

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Re: My Start
« Reply #2 on: September 16, 2013, 05:14:45 AM »
Welcome to the forum Sherrie.....you didn't reference the WB book, so if you haven't read it, I encourage you to do so as it will not only help you understand the addictive nature of your current diet patterns, but offers empowering strategies to overcome them. Making the initial commitment can be daunting.....but the rewards are immeasurable. When time permits, read through the posts on this blog, as well as the WBBlog.....lots of helpful information and support!
p.s.....ramping up your healthy fats is a good start!

HungryinTN

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Re: My Start
« Reply #3 on: September 16, 2013, 09:12:04 AM »
Welcome to the fold!  We've all been there and this is a great place to take the next step on your journey.  Everyone's path is a little different, but as you explore the forum you'll find lots of great tips and ideas.  You're pretty much right where I was when I started just a few months ago (right after Father's Day).  I'm 5'3.5''-ish, I was at 220, in a snug size 18 dreading moving up to a 20, with a 42 inch waist.  I have also suffered from a terrible relationship with food, really using it as much as a form of self-abuse as I was self-medication.  Although at many times in my life I ate a "healthy" diet, I could never break my addiction cycle - not until I gave up wheat 100%.  For me, it was a step-by-step process.  I didn't give up EVERYTHING on Dr. Davis' off-limits list all at the same time (and I still have my moments with corn, unfortunately), but I gave up wheat first and never looked back.  That first week, just from eliminating wheat and, to a certain degree, limiting my carbs, I lost about five pounds.  It was like I was deflating.  That might be a good approach for you if you struggle with sticking to it for more than three or four days without "cheating."  Give yourself a couple of weeks of JUST giving up wheat.  Go at your own pace.  And prepare yourself for cravings.  I don't use processed gluten-free products anymore, but during that initial phase to break the addiction cycle, they were a godsend.  It's important not to become dependent on them - only use them in case of "emergency," maybe.  Or roast a few slices of butternut squash slathered in grass-fed lard to put pizza toppings on.  I've lost twenty pounds (still teetering around 200 b/c I've made a few poor choices from time to time), and several inches off of my waist, bust, hips, thighs, arms, and even ankles, but more importantly I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER!  I was also very depressed and just generally felt bad.  I had a terrible habit of negative self-talk.  I dreaded doing the dishes, not because I don't like washing dishes (but who does, really?), but because I hated being alone with my thoughts.  Same for long drives.  But switching to this new way of eating has done wonders for my mood and sense of well-being.  It truly is amazing.  The first step is a doozy, it's true, but once you fight through it (and you will) you will feel better in ways that you never even expected. 

Suzhookem

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Re: My Start
« Reply #4 on: September 16, 2013, 10:47:28 AM »
Welcome! Glad you found us. I'm hopeful you'll fine the same support, friendship and great info that I think we all find here at the forum. Good luck on your first days. They may be hard at first but so rewarding. Just wait until you are not thinking about your next meal before you finish the one you're eating! It's so freeing. My DH and I made the bruschetta bread on Dr Davis' site and in a few days we decided we didn't need it which prompted us to say is this a good way to live or what! And the health benefits will come too when you stick with it. My hip also used to hurt and cause me to limp, which is unacceptable! I had some of the health problems you currently are dealing with. Some of them go away so quietly you just realize one day, oh I haven't had a headache every afternoon. Wow!

Barbara from New Jersey

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Re: My Start
« Reply #5 on: September 16, 2013, 11:26:23 AM »
Sherrie,


Keep reading the WB blog and this one too!  You will find lots of other people describing their experiences.  Dr. D's list of foods in WB Quick and Dirty is a good framework to start with.  Lots of water to flush your system out.  You will be rather surprised at how much delicious food you can eat and still lose weight.  Check out paleo and primal recipes on the internet.  Many references naming favorites and web sites on this blog too.




scrupulousgirl

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Re: My Start
« Reply #6 on: September 16, 2013, 02:50:43 PM »
Sherrie,

Welcome to the board! We are all glad to have you hear and wishing you the best on your journey! You can do this and you will have alot of support here. I am 12 weeks into WB. My biggest goal right now is to get over some digestive issues, but that aside, the way I feel, low-appetite, no cravings, no headaches and how much energy I have put me in a great place. I have hope for the 1st time that I can and will lose weight and know that I can do this long-term and you can, too!

Keep reading this blog, reread the WB book and go back over posts from Dr. Davis' Blog as well. We are all students here and learning from each other and also providing history for those coming behind us of what not to do. Keep your head up!

Rita

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Re: My Start
« Reply #7 on: September 16, 2013, 03:59:54 PM »
Welcome Sherrie!


Glad you found us.   We completely support you on your journey!

Lila

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Re: My Start
« Reply #8 on: September 22, 2013, 05:37:52 PM »
Hi Sherrie!


I binge too.  I totally understand what you're talking about.  Literally being out of control and cannot get satisfied.


I've been wheat free for 6, 7, or 8 weeks now--I am having trouble remembering when I started.  If you can get over the initial few days, you can do this!  I still don't completely trust myself and tonight was the first night we have been out to eat since we started. It was very easy to eat right.  I'd like to do Mexican, but I am afraid of the basket of chips, so I'm going to wait on that. 


The most amazing thing is that I haven't been on a binge, food tastes great, and I feel better.  Weight isn't coming off as fast as I'd like, but the benefits even without quick weight loss make this worth it. 


This is a great group with some very smart and supportive veterans!

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Re: My Start
« Reply #8 on: September 22, 2013, 05:37:52 PM »

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